Psychopathy, not prodigy.

A few weeks ago, someone who once knew me very well told me i am not a prodigy. This came as an insult to me, as i have always considered myself very different. I couldn't ever place it, i just felt different. And special, so eccentric  and special. Then, i stumbled upon a TED talk about antisocial personality disorder. You know this better as psychopathy. Its common characteristics are:

• Superficial charm
• Delusions; irrational thinking
• Nervous and neurotic manifestations
• Unreliability
• Untruthfulness
• Poor judgement and failure to learn from experience
• Egocentricity and inability to feel empathy or sympathy
• Failure to follow life plans; failure to follow out long term goals
• Sex life lacks true intimacy; very impersonal
• Extreme and often uninviting behavior when provoked or uninhibited.
• Compulsive lying; manipulation; ability to create false perceptions of oneself

This is me, and its how im different. Im just.. that fucked up. It ended up all making sense, once that happened. At least.. Well, at least now i know.
Inside my head, i am my own prodigy. But everywhere else, im just mentally ill.

Last Day!

Jesus fuck! It's the last day of summer vacation! Ever! In my entire fucking life, today is just it! Then, its gone, forever :D Long days of nothing and isolation just gone! After today, almost every day of my life will be filled with something, something to do or somewhere to go or something to see. I cannot fucking wait. It's so lonely for me to spend days alone. Especially since my brother died and in my down time he fills my thoughts. I tend to see his image laughing, but not in a nice way. In a way that says "I have left you behind, little sister. Now figure out what the worlds means because you are on your own". But if I am not forced to spend long days in captivity for months at a time (summer vacation) (why i am captive is a long long story), then I can, at the very least, prevent it from being my only though. There is so much hope in this. I have not had hope for a long long time. I even got some new clothes, which I never do for the school year. I'm going to sound like such a stuck up prick, but I never really needed new clothes to feel pretty. I've always been pretty. Even without makeup I get asked if im a model. So, yeah, new clothes is a semi big step for me, at least in the hope department. Tomorrow cannot come fast enough! Senior year! I need it to start so it can fly by and I can finally graduate.. Get the fuck out of dodge, go back to where i belong. Jesus christ I'm shaking!! I sound like a dumbass preppy bitch saying this, but i don't even care, I'm going to go pick out an outfit for tomorrow.
Such effort is shocking from me haha.
Peace, darlings

Robin Williams...

Hey, you. Yeah you, under that rock. I bet you didn't know Robin Williams died... Oh, you did know.. Well, this is awkward.

But seriously, all my stupid stupid humor aside, some famous guy offed himself. Woah... Pretty brutal. I guess I'm acting a bit calloused to it but.. well my brother kind of desensitized me to suicide in general I suppose. And i get that everyone is freaked out and sad he did this but.. But, honestly, I don't really see the problem. Sure, he "seemed" so funny and happy go lucky and all the jazz (he was a fucking comedian for christ's fuck), but, honestly, it was his damn choice. I feel horrible for his family, all those who legitimately knew, loved, and cared for him. The rest of you can shove your "I miss him so much" up your ass, in my opinion. You didn't know the guy, so saying he shouldn't have made a personal choice which will not remove a noticeably significant part of your life from you.. its just insane and selfish. So shove it, please, and let the man rest where he wants to be. Keep in mind, despite his riches this was still the better alternative, so we really don't know shit now do we?

Rant over.

Being alone

-sigh- I don't even like this blog much... wow i must truly be bored, right? Not really. I have the whole internet, i could just go fuck around and do mindless shit. But that only really delays the emotions i do not want to feel. There are two main things i cannot stand, as they trigger a much larger spectrum of emotions for me: loneliness and rejection. That being said, spending hours online doing nothing only to realize how truly alone i am is not good for me. At all. And at least this way i'm given the feeling of talking to someone. As long as there's someone i tend to be alright. I break down very randomly at times, and always fear breaking down and being alone. Every time that happens i go to my dark place. My dark place is a place i can easily fall into in the presence of someone, but i am more prone to while alone. I am only able to describe it as this: it is like i am drowning in the emotions im feeling, while at the same time floating in them. They're killing me, and yet surrounding me. It's not fun, just take my word for it. When it happens when i am alone it is frightening to me. I cry in a way i cannot fully understand, and often end up with salt crystals on my lashes and cheeks. I get dizzy and feel deranged and all logic is gone. All rational thought gets replaced by the agony of what is happening inside me. It is beyond frightening. When im with someone and it happens, it is never with anyone i can trust, or if i do trust them i love them too much to show them the scary part of me and make them worry. So for now, im trapped in my little hell bubble. That's okay, i'd rather not inflict it on anyone else anyway.

Depression: First encounter (that i can remember)

Lots of things led into this. Its been an ongoing process for almost a year, going and going until i found myself in this place. In hindsight i should have seen it happening. Honestly, i don't know how i didn't. In october, my brother took cyanide pills and killed himself. He was on the verge of going to prison and despite a sentence of only 3 - 9 months, he was just too scared to go through with it. He also felt he was somehow "protesting injustice" but i guess i'll get to that weird logic later.
Anyway, this has been happening since before he passed. I can remember up until about 3 weeks before he died (the rest of my life before that seems to be one large blur, like it was not my life that i personally lived), and looking back i should have seen the beginning of a change. I don't remember that time well but i am aware it happened, and i am aware that i was not okay. The first night i remember the despair (the depression) it was a while after i had been informed my brother was talking about suicide. I was, obviously, very not okay about it. My boyfriend at the time (whose name i won't mention because you don't really need to know that, now do you?) was not very available that night, but that was the case for most of the nights during the school year. On average we could talk for about 2 hours a night with me waiting on average 45 minutes for a text. That night he did not talk to me at all. This was technically his fault, but he just really wanted a good future and needed to dedicate a large chunk of time to studying. It was my fault too, though. I chose to love an unavailable man, as an incredible needy woman, this was something i should have better examined. But, as it was, that was my situation. After a while the news of what my brother was talking about truly sunk in. I started imagining a life without my brother, and i became overwhelmed with emotions. I began sobbing almost instantly and frantically tried to get a hold of the boy. He wouldn't answer me, he was likely nowhere near his phone. In a panic i turned to my best friend (you're only getting my name out of this, ill have you know). Luckily he was able to help me recover slightly, but that night i broke up with the boy. This in and of itself was traumatic for me, so i became very unstable. After that my world becomes a blur until the news of my brother dying, but ever since i can always relate my depression to that incident. When the depression comes and swallows me, its the feeling of isolation and fear that comes back. It's one of the most crushing emotions i have ever known. Had my brother not stolen the thunder, and made dying an inability for me due to my love for my family, i would have killed myself by now simply to escape it.

I'm doing this for me.

This is just for me. Comment if you would like, but in the end this is just so i can go over my thoughts and become familiar with my own mind. I don't remember a lot lately, so im just going to use this. It's like a journal i can't lose. I mean, what teenager in her right mind would lose her laptop? Exactly. -sigh- Here goes.
I feel better when i don't eat. It's very bad but very true. I do not do this purposely. I am not anorexic. I do not feel i need to be skinnier (i am skinny enough and honestly would look less attractive with less weight), and yet i cannot eat and feel better when i don't... So much better. My aversion to food is the way it makes me feel to eat. Of course, i still feel hunger. I am not some sort of android. The problem is the hunger is hidden beneath a layer of nausea, and upon eating the nausea only gets worse. For example, i ate a sandwich earlier, just a normal pb&j. It took me half an hour of dreading making it, 45 minutes to eat, and over an hour later just typing about the accursed thing is making my stomach scream at me for what i have done. I remember i ate 8 bites because each one took so much out of me. I also couldn't bear to eat the last corner of it, because i knew at that point it was small enough to conceal in a napkin and throw away. I could easily relate my inability to eat to my depression (more on that later) but honestly i just do not want to. I do not want to admit this to another person as something which is a "problem". The second it is noticed as a problem it will be seen as a big  problem. Mainly because it is.. But the reason i do not want it to be seen as what it is, is because then i'll go to the doctor and you know what he / she will say? "You have severe medical / situational depression" and you know what that will result in? Pills. My biggest fear, i am not letting them into my body. I would prefer a therapist but where could i get the money? Besides, people worry for sick people, i don't want anyone worrying for me... Trust me, these days the people who love me have enough to worry about.