I'm doing this for me.

This is just for me. Comment if you would like, but in the end this is just so i can go over my thoughts and become familiar with my own mind. I don't remember a lot lately, so im just going to use this. It's like a journal i can't lose. I mean, what teenager in her right mind would lose her laptop? Exactly. -sigh- Here goes.
I feel better when i don't eat. It's very bad but very true. I do not do this purposely. I am not anorexic. I do not feel i need to be skinnier (i am skinny enough and honestly would look less attractive with less weight), and yet i cannot eat and feel better when i don't... So much better. My aversion to food is the way it makes me feel to eat. Of course, i still feel hunger. I am not some sort of android. The problem is the hunger is hidden beneath a layer of nausea, and upon eating the nausea only gets worse. For example, i ate a sandwich earlier, just a normal pb&j. It took me half an hour of dreading making it, 45 minutes to eat, and over an hour later just typing about the accursed thing is making my stomach scream at me for what i have done. I remember i ate 8 bites because each one took so much out of me. I also couldn't bear to eat the last corner of it, because i knew at that point it was small enough to conceal in a napkin and throw away. I could easily relate my inability to eat to my depression (more on that later) but honestly i just do not want to. I do not want to admit this to another person as something which is a "problem". The second it is noticed as a problem it will be seen as a big  problem. Mainly because it is.. But the reason i do not want it to be seen as what it is, is because then i'll go to the doctor and you know what he / she will say? "You have severe medical / situational depression" and you know what that will result in? Pills. My biggest fear, i am not letting them into my body. I would prefer a therapist but where could i get the money? Besides, people worry for sick people, i don't want anyone worrying for me... Trust me, these days the people who love me have enough to worry about.