Being alone

-sigh- I don't even like this blog much... wow i must truly be bored, right? Not really. I have the whole internet, i could just go fuck around and do mindless shit. But that only really delays the emotions i do not want to feel. There are two main things i cannot stand, as they trigger a much larger spectrum of emotions for me: loneliness and rejection. That being said, spending hours online doing nothing only to realize how truly alone i am is not good for me. At all. And at least this way i'm given the feeling of talking to someone. As long as there's someone i tend to be alright. I break down very randomly at times, and always fear breaking down and being alone. Every time that happens i go to my dark place. My dark place is a place i can easily fall into in the presence of someone, but i am more prone to while alone. I am only able to describe it as this: it is like i am drowning in the emotions im feeling, while at the same time floating in them. They're killing me, and yet surrounding me. It's not fun, just take my word for it. When it happens when i am alone it is frightening to me. I cry in a way i cannot fully understand, and often end up with salt crystals on my lashes and cheeks. I get dizzy and feel deranged and all logic is gone. All rational thought gets replaced by the agony of what is happening inside me. It is beyond frightening. When im with someone and it happens, it is never with anyone i can trust, or if i do trust them i love them too much to show them the scary part of me and make them worry. So for now, im trapped in my little hell bubble. That's okay, i'd rather not inflict it on anyone else anyway.